Take your time

Gabby Tjiroze
Justicia Shipena



Recently everyone has been overly-interested in my dating life. Nowadays it seems not even one conversation can go by without them asking if I'm seeing anyone. I can always hear the disappointment in someone's tone when I tell them that I haven't met anyone since we last talked and in the case of some, we talk almost every day.

But of course, like any human who obsesses over people's romantic ventures, a simple “no” is not a satisfactory answer. I must tell them why.

The reason could be the result of many things. One, I don't have many guy friends. Two, I give off the “not-interested” vibe. And three, I don't fit the Windhoek “type”.

I know this last statement may be controversial, and even I even hesitate to write it. I would love to be able to say that girls of all shapes, sizes and colours are loved here. And this may be true, but I don't think there's any denying the fact that there is a certain type that is popular. Because I don't fit into that type, I've dealt with a lot of insecurities.

Even before I was even thinking about dating, the moment I stepped into a place, I became super aware of my appearance because few people here look like me. I am black, tall and petite. My dress sense is weird and I don't have an athletic body. I am not the type of girl you take one look at and decide to pursue. I know this. And I try not to get caught up in it but it is difficult not to, especially at this age.

However, I'm not going to go on some long tangent about how everyone is beautiful in their own special way and what really matters is on the inside. As much as that statement is true, it is also false. So instead I'm going to focus on being real, because that's what my column is all about: Being honest with the reader by being honest with myself.

While compliments definitely feel good, I don't think true confidence can come from anywhere but the individual. I feel that confidence can only come when one learns to be okay with yourself. When you block out all other influences and just say: “This is what I've got to work with, so I'll own it.”

Only then can you exude real poise.

But blocking other influences is a lot more difficult to do than it seems. In fact, it may be nearly impossible, seeing as they are everywhere in our surroundings - the media, school, work, etc. However, it's very possible to make these things less important in your everyday life. I won't say that I've mastered this yet, but I'm working on it, and I think for now that's good enough.

And while dating is definitely an experience I'd like to have during my last teenage year, it is certainly not a priority of mine. This is an age meant for having fun, for learning, for crafting and discovering. And this earth certainly is not running short of men; so I feel no need to rush, but I can understand my people's concerns.

I think they really want me to have that full teenage “experience”, whatever that means.

And because of that exact reason, I'm very cautious of ridding myself of that mindset before entering the dating scene.

Because we want to have that teenage “experience” - the one we've seen in movies and heard about in our parents' stories - there's pressure to do certain things at a certain speed, whether that be drinking, smoking, sex or whatever else.

During my teenage years, I've made sure that whenever I do or participate in anything, it's because I want to. Not because my friends want to, and not because I'm trying to live up to some ridiculous standard as created by films like 'Animal House'.

So people will have to wait. I'm not sure until when, but for now, that'll just have to be sufficient. I don't mean to come off as some wannabe motivational speaker, but it's an issue I think is important because it's an issue I deal with on a daily basis. And as superficial as it may seem, it's always really detrimental to your self-esteem when you're consistently feeling like 'the ugly friend', 'the party-pooper” or 'the third wheel'.

I actually think this can be a large factor of everyone's time as a teenager. While of course your main goal here is to get a degree, there is no denying that how much you enjoy that time has a large social aspect. But any relationship you develop with anyone will be difficult if you aren't comfortable with yourself.

“You can't love until you've been loved” is a very clichéd statement, so much so that it's almost painful to write, but it's true about a lot of things besides love. It's also a skill, just like learning to be yourself and how to love yourself are skills. So take your time. I'm doing just that.



justicia@myzone.com.na